So here's the truth...

I haven’t been completely honest with you or myself, so I’m going to get real and lay it out here in a, hopefully, rational, organized manner.  As most of you who have followed me know, I’ve been struggling with my weight basically my whole life with a whole heck of a lot of yo-yoing.  I started my adult life overweight and quickly tipped into the “obese” category.  I’ve carried three children, followed by three c-sections.  Clearly, this has changed my body, as is expected.  I’m working hard to improve my physical appearance but by no means do I ever expect to get that banging body that I, frankly, never had to begin with.  So what do I expect to get from all this hard work?  Well, that’s a damn good question. 

Over the last seven years, I have done a lot of work on myself emotionally – I’ve healed hurts, found myself and I’ve become the super-cool-awkward-and-a-little-bit-dorky person I am today.  I love the woman I have become and I will most certainly continue to learn and grow.

But here’s where it starts to get real.  Something I have touched on but have not been truly vulnerable about, even with myself is the fact that I struggle with my self-image.  This isn’t something that happened due to my body changing after birthing three children, this is something that started at a very young age and it has continued to deeply root itself in my entire being.  I have obsessed over comments, nicknames or gestures that people in my life have jokingly said.  I’m sure their intentions were harmless but I have ingrained that into my brain as truth. I have seriously warped my self-image.  

Coincidentally (or perhaps not), self care has been a phrase that has been coming up a lot lately – like, it’s literally fucking everywhere.  Thankfully, I already do self care and I’m really good at it too!  I go to the gym and work my ass off, I run, I celebrate my successes, I share my experiences and I work through the hard shit.  I assure you, I am always working through stuff by taking risks, challenges and doing everything I can to improve who I am. 

I humbly retract the previous paragraph and I will simply replace it with: I suck at self care.

Although all of the things I said in that previous paragraph are true statements, my sweet Husband opened my eyes to something I hadn’t realized. He shared that, even now as I’ve learned to celebrate my successes and I genuinely share my weaknesses, even now as I have overcome and continue to battle so many obstacles, even now as I do all that I can to inspire and motivate others, even now, deep within, there is self hate.  I thought that by sharing my wins and owning my mistakes that is me being real.  Which is true, I am being real, except I missed the part about sharing that I don't feel good enough still.  And that's on me because everyone has been so supportive, and positive.  

I won’t share the intimate details of our exchange, but I assure you there were plenty of tears on my part as my Husband lovingly and desperately tried to get me to see what He sees.  It all boils down to my body.  I do love the quirky, fun, genuine me on the inside, but how I see myself physically is so obscure.  My Husband asked at one point, what will it take for you to love your body?  I keep telling myself, I’ve got 20 more pounds to lose and I'll reach my ultimate goal.  Then I think I’ll love my body.

But, really, He's right, I won't.  Not unless I do something different.

So in addition to other challenges I'll keep to myself, He's challenged me to share 1 thing per day that I love about myself (physically) for the next two weeks on social media.  This is my first step of the self care that I need.  I'm sure there will be many more challenges and growth opportunities along the way, some that I may share and some that I keep in private.  Either way, I'm  ready.  It's taken me several years to get to this point of loving myself and I believe this will be a continuous work in progress.  Baby steps.  I want to love myself fully, even my body.  It's time to release that evil voice that keeps me down.