So here's the truth...

I haven’t been completely honest with you or myself, so I’m going to get real and lay it out here in a, hopefully, rational, organized manner.  As most of you who have followed me know, I’ve been struggling with my weight basically my whole life with a whole heck of a lot of yo-yoing.  I started my adult life overweight and quickly tipped into the “obese” category.  I’ve carried three children, followed by three c-sections.  Clearly, this has changed my body, as is expected.  I’m working hard to improve my physical appearance but by no means do I ever expect to get that banging body that I, frankly, never had to begin with.  So what do I expect to get from all this hard work?  Well, that’s a damn good question. 

Over the last seven years, I have done a lot of work on myself emotionally – I’ve healed hurts, found myself and I’ve become the super-cool-awkward-and-a-little-bit-dorky person I am today.  I love the woman I have become and I will most certainly continue to learn and grow.

But here’s where it starts to get real.  Something I have touched on but have not been truly vulnerable about, even with myself is the fact that I struggle with my self-image.  This isn’t something that happened due to my body changing after birthing three children, this is something that started at a very young age and it has continued to deeply root itself in my entire being.  I have obsessed over comments, nicknames or gestures that people in my life have jokingly said.  I’m sure their intentions were harmless but I have ingrained that into my brain as truth. I have seriously warped my self-image.  

Coincidentally (or perhaps not), self care has been a phrase that has been coming up a lot lately – like, it’s literally fucking everywhere.  Thankfully, I already do self care and I’m really good at it too!  I go to the gym and work my ass off, I run, I celebrate my successes, I share my experiences and I work through the hard shit.  I assure you, I am always working through stuff by taking risks, challenges and doing everything I can to improve who I am. 

I humbly retract the previous paragraph and I will simply replace it with: I suck at self care.

Although all of the things I said in that previous paragraph are true statements, my sweet Husband opened my eyes to something I hadn’t realized. He shared that, even now as I’ve learned to celebrate my successes and I genuinely share my weaknesses, even now as I have overcome and continue to battle so many obstacles, even now as I do all that I can to inspire and motivate others, even now, deep within, there is self hate.  I thought that by sharing my wins and owning my mistakes that is me being real.  Which is true, I am being real, except I missed the part about sharing that I don't feel good enough still.  And that's on me because everyone has been so supportive, and positive.  

I won’t share the intimate details of our exchange, but I assure you there were plenty of tears on my part as my Husband lovingly and desperately tried to get me to see what He sees.  It all boils down to my body.  I do love the quirky, fun, genuine me on the inside, but how I see myself physically is so obscure.  My Husband asked at one point, what will it take for you to love your body?  I keep telling myself, I’ve got 20 more pounds to lose and I'll reach my ultimate goal.  Then I think I’ll love my body.

But, really, He's right, I won't.  Not unless I do something different.

So in addition to other challenges I'll keep to myself, He's challenged me to share 1 thing per day that I love about myself (physically) for the next two weeks on social media.  This is my first step of the self care that I need.  I'm sure there will be many more challenges and growth opportunities along the way, some that I may share and some that I keep in private.  Either way, I'm  ready.  It's taken me several years to get to this point of loving myself and I believe this will be a continuous work in progress.  Baby steps.  I want to love myself fully, even my body.  It's time to release that evil voice that keeps me down.  

From vacation last month...

I forgot I wrote this, so I'm posting a couple weeks later...

So we went on a mini camping trip for a couple of days with the entire family (my mom, stepdad, my brother, sister-in-law, their two kids and my hubby and our three kids).  

The trip was a lot of fun and we packed a lot into two days.  It was certainly a test of the parents patience, but most of all for me personally, it was a test of my excuse giving.  

I already posted on my personal page about the run I pushed through but I skipped over what started that breakthrough process.  On Monday night, I squeezed in an upper body workout (put together by my trainer).  I had set myself up for success and spoke with him in advance about my trip.  So he created a workout that I could do while away (and boy was I still sore AF).   

Actually getting myself to do the workout was truly a struggle, my mind kept telling me "oh you're on vacation" and "it's not a big deal to skip one day, just give it a miss."  I did keep pushing it off until late in the day when finally, it came down to either me doing it or skipping it.  

Since my upper body workout was before my run, I hadn't had the "light bulb" moment of me beating me excuses.  At this point, I did it because if I didn't, I knew my trainer would ask why and he'd hold me accountable.  So in that moment, this was about me but still about not letting someone else down.  I mean, none of my excuses were reasonable - being tired, on vacation, just don't wanna - all things that have gotten me fat in the past but they are not excuses I will use anymore.  

During my run the next morning, I realized, I pushed through those excuses to break the cycle.  I am not going back to where I was before and my dedication to myself is absolute proof of that.  

I have no more excuses.  

Zero.  

Happy 6-month Gym-versary! Definite Progress Made.

I have started quite a few blogs, but haven't posted in forever because I've been trying to decide what people find interesting and what they really want to read about.  I've been trying to discover new ways to inspire and motivate more people to get healthy.  Most of my posting has actually been on Facebook or Instagram.  Well, this time, this blog is about me really celebrating and being proud of my accomplishments.

I grew up being called "fat" names (even though I wasn't fat at all); this was extremely destructive to my self-image.  Therefore, as a young adult I quickly swung right into the obese category.  I've had numerous attempts of weight loss, some fairly successful, but somehow I always found myself gaining the weight back - embarrassed at the weight gain and super unhappy. The closest I got to where I am emotionally and physically now, was right before I was pregnant with Seamus in 2011. As my pregnancy progressed, I made excuses, and lost my energy and momentum.  I ended up back at my "starting" point. What I had in 2011 that made me successful was the support I had and my personal commitment.  My goals were solid, I was writing blogs, supporting others and being supported.  Other attempts were done quietly, or at least with less gumption and definitely with less personal commitment.

So, I started THIS journey on May 1, 2015.  Looking back, I realize started a little aimlessly.  I had a "failed" attempt of weightloss the year previous and my weight jumped back up.  Good friends of ours, Tom and Shannon, had started doing the BeachBody programs in early 2015 and it was working for them (and boy do they look amazing), so I figured, why not. It's true that exercise can become an addiction. I absolutely LOVED it.  I started eating healthier too. Then in July of 2015 I started the BeachBody 21 day fix.  My husband and I did the program 6 times.  I lost 35 pounds from May until November 2015.  Then, I got burned out on the program and decided to take a break.  Worst decision ever!  TAKEAWAY NOTE:  Don't take breaks, just find new workouts or new challenges.  So in December and January I found myself losing steam and gained 15 pounds back.  I was embarrassed and disappointed in myself.....again.

Then, I realized I need the one-on-one support.  I need the accountability.  I needed the push.  So I joined Challenge Fitness in Charlevoix and hired Christopher Demaneaus as my Personal Trainer.  My first day was February 1, 2016.  We started with cardio circuits to get me to reach my initial goal of losing the 15 I had gained.  When I reached that goal, I was ready to push for more. I'm usually able to get into a weight-loss routine and lose 30-40 pounds, but that's where I find myself yo-yo'ing most.  I needed to break through that.  I had only done it once before in 2011.  Chris encouraged me to try the Isagenix 30-day Weightloss plan in April.  The April Isagenix challenge showed great results which can be found here!  I fell in love with the product - the taste, the consistency, the nutrients.  I'll likely do the entire 30-day program again (which includes a once a week nutritional fasting) but for now I use the Isagenix shakes as my go-to.  This has proven to be super effective since I'm always on the run.  In mid-July Chris switched me to lifting (which has always been a secret dream of mine).  From May until now, I have lost an additional 13 pounds putting me at a total loss of 52 pounds and I have gained a lot of muscle too.

At this point, I'm in new territory.  I've never been this fit, this healthy or this small as an adult.  Most times still, I look in the mirror and see the bigger girl I have come to know myself as. I was shown a recent picture of myself and didn't recognize it was ME. I hold my breath trying on clothes that I never dreamed of fitting (and guess what, they fit). My brain is still wrapping the fact that I am no longer a "large" or "extra large" - I am a medium, and sometimes small, depending on the brand ;)

I know that my progress is attributed to MY hard work, obviously I wouldn't be here without it. It's also attributed to the support I receive from my hubby Patrick and my girl Bri.  It's attributed to the support I receive on social media posts - encouraging and motivating me.  It's attributed to many of you who inspire me to push for more (Karen, Denise, Michelle, Rebecca, Liz, and SO many more!).

However, a major piece of my progress is because of Christopher. Chris, you have given me not only the absolutely fabulous (cough cough...yea right....ha ha) workouts, but you've given me the accountability, the support and the encouragement I needed to get me to where I am today. You're more than just a PT, you're my friend and confidant.  I know you will continue to push me to reach all of my goals.  (Handstands, chin-ups and lifting, here I come!)  I am so thankful to have you in my life. Happy 6 month gym-versary Chris. I feel like I just cannot eloquently express my gratitude, but I hope you're getting it.

Below are a couple of my current progress pictures.  The first one is not something I ever planned to post!  In fact, in March (2016) when I took the originals, I took two pictures: one with my shirt down and one with it pulled up.  The one with the shirt down is the progress picture I was comfortable posting on social media (which you can see in my previous blog).  But, what's the point of having the the other pictures if I don't celebrate my achievements.  Here's to risk taking!  Even though I personally have more I want to work on, I can honestly say I am VERY PROUD of my accomplishments thus far.  *CELEBRATING*

This progress picture shows a loss of 20 pounds with a lot of muscle gains and toning!

This second comparison is with my friend Jessica - the left picture was from February of 2015 and the picture on the right is from today (August 5).  Jessica has also been working her ass off (literally) as you can see in this comparison!  Great work Jess, I'm proud of you!  She has a total loss of 34 since the left picture in 2015!

Time to Celebrate a little

Something my husband has shared with me, is when I celebrate, I only partially celebrate.  Like, I'll say, I did great at abc, but I still have xyz to do.  "Why can't you just be proud of yourself without adding on negatives?"  So this post is to simply celebrate what I have accomplished.  After doing the Isagenix 30 day program, I've lost 10 pounds and am down a size!  This program, coupled with my exercising has helped me to feel excited about my progress again. Below you can see a comparison of day 1 and day 30.   I'm well on my way to meeting my goal!  Thank you to all of you for your continued support and encouragement.

So why Isagenix?

I have tried nearly every single diet out there (or at least close to every single one). I've tried not eating and limiting myself to minimal amounts of food, I've tried countless diet pills - even the prescription ones, I've tried slimfast, weight watchers, counting calories, cabbage diets, a shmorgishborg of shakes, low carb, and finally as clean eating and portion controlled as I can. I've tried all these things for ways to "get thinner" and lose weight because I thought all those things would help me eventually feel better about myself. Guess what, those things never did change how I felt about myself. Over the last several years, I've been working on myself and improving my self image. Although I'm still working on loving me for ME, I have found that even though I'm not where I want to be physically, I can still appreciate my body where it currently is.

So considering I've had so many not so wonderful experiences with diet programs in the past, you may be wondering, why is she trying another one?  First of all, I blame being born in December. I am a Sagittarius through and through. I'm always up for change, adventure and a challenge. So if I'm getting comfortable with something, beware, I'm likely to shake it up. This time quite literally. Shake.....it.....up.....get it?

I have been using BeachBody's Shakeology for quite some time now and have been happy with the nutritional benefits it has provided for me.  It's easy for me to have a shake with a banana and spinach in it, in addition to my lunch and dinner meals. It helped to complete my nutritional needs. Although I have no problems with Shakeology and I'd recommend it still in addition to the 21 Day Fix or any Beach Body supported workouts, I was just ready for a change up.

I posted a workout picture and sort of mentioned feeling like I've been in a bit of a plateau or lul. A friend of mine recommended I give the Isagenix 30-day program a try. The 30-day program is a cleanse and fat blaster program. I spoke with my trainer to see if this program was legit and if I should give it a try. From someone who doesn't like to "push product" it meant a lot to have him approve it.

The program consists of "shake" days and "cleanse" days. On the shake days, the individual drinks 1-2 shakes per day and then has one healthy (but hearty 400-600 calorie) meal. I started the program this past Monday and I have been nothing but impressed. Just in the first day I felt a total difference in my energy. When I first agreed to give the program I try, I was interested in a boost in my metabolism and of course weight loss, I hadn't thought about my energy level at all. I'm pleasantly surprised with the amount of energy the program has given me so far, even on my cleanse day! Wednesday was the nutritional fast/cleanse day. I was super nervous, worried I'd be hungry all day, or unfocused. Quite the opposite. Just when I started to feel hungry, it was time for my nutritional supplement. I hadn't gotten the sleep I wanted the night prior to my fast, but my energy was still well above my normal days prior to Isagenix.

So how would I compare Isagenix to Shakeology? I don't think it's fair to compare them side-by-side. They are two different meal-replacement shake programs with similar goals (weightloss/healthier eating). One difference with Isagenix is it has higher protein and fiber to support a nutritional fasting day once (or twice) per week for a month. Both have great benefits though.

I don't want to be meal-replacement/shake dependant for the rest of my life. However, I'm still at the "lots of weight to lose" phase of my life, so I am willing to find the benefits of programs and share that with others so they can see what fits their needs and lifestyle best. Plus, by trying out the programs, I have something to fall back on when need a boost myself. I recommend doing research to see which program will work best for you based on your goals and needs.
CLICK HERE for an EXCELLENT blog about intermittent fasting! Also, I found a pretty honest comparison blog regarding Shakeology and Isagenix, click here to check it out.

Changing my Mindset to: My Forever Journey

I have lost count of the number of times I have "started over" again.  Feeling embarrassed, defeated and like a never ending struggle, I stopped journaling about my journey.  Who wants to hear the story of the girl who keeps starting over?  In fact, I just did it again last May, started over and rededicated myself to working out and eating healthy.

The last couple of weeks I have considered the "starting over" mindset and realized, for me, it's more damaging than motivational.  So, you'll not hear me say starting over again.  I am on this forever journey, whether it's jumping on the bandwagon because I fell off or whether it's balancing exercise with our family's busy schedule or refocusing my eating, it's my journey.  Someday, my journey will be maintaining and inasmuch as I look forward to that day, I also know that will be a different challenge altogether.

What encouraged me to write again?  Well, two things really.  I missed it.  I loved sharing my updates, my journey, my life with you all - it helped to keep me honest and on track plus it inspired others (thank you for the messages sharing such); additionally, a good friend, Liz writes about her journey and that inspired me to continue to share my story.

So here's my new blog page and my Forever Journey.

<3

PS - Check out and follow Liz's journey here: https://lifeandlizdom.wordpress.com/